What’s The Point Of All Those Teeth?

We humans have mostly blunt instruments in our mouths to break down food compared to dogs. Our teeth aren’t all that pointy unless we dress up as vampires for Halloween or are lucky enough to be born with a cool looking set of canines. The act of chewing breaks down food so it can be digested more easily and also improves the absorption of nutrients. And let’s not forget that the longer we chew, the longer we can savor toothsome donuts, heavenly bacon and fall-off-the-bone ribs. But these are human behaviors, and our teeth are not designed the same way as a dog’s. Their teeth are pointier and have sharper edges throughout, including the molars, making them ideal tools for catching and holding prey, cutting through fur or tough skin, and grinding away at bones. Consider, though, the typical family dog who eats food that does not have a tough, furry or feathery exterior that needs to be scissor-ed through.

It seems to me that the point of all those teeth is to joyously mutilate one’s favorite toy, if one is a pampered dog. Toy between the paws, they would slightly lift their lips out of the way so their incisors (front teeth) can make a tiny tear, or grab hold of a loose thread, so as to break through the toy’s skin. Next, they would tuck the toy into the pre-molars (middle teeth) and hold it there while pumping it like gum. Eventually they’ll zero-in on the toy’s nose, ear, leg, or other appendage for decapitation. For this job, they cram the toy into the molars (teeth way in the back) and rhythmically shear at the joint between the toy’s body and limb. Canned, bagged or cooked food is much easier to dispatch of, so why bother chewing? Canine eating rules seem to be: Swallow-It-All in one Grab-And-Gulp movement. Don’t worry if you choke. You can hork down more food to jam the offending piece back down. And don’t worry if you get food bloat. Your human will take you to a vet hospital where you’ll hork up what you horked down. The experience may include I.V. fluids and an overnight stay, but there’s good news. That 50 pound bag of food you ravaged still has some kibble left in it, and it’s just sitting there, eagerly waiting your return home.

All levity aside, food bloat can be a medical emergency for a dog. When we overeat, we pop some antacids, walk around a bit, do some complaining and then eventually feel better. It’s not so easy for dogs to recover from gorging. Mouthfuls of solid are swallowed whole along with excess air at high speed. The stomach is quickly overloaded with compacted matter and gas, which could result in a twisted stomach (GDV, or gastro dilation volvulus). Dogs don’t have hands or fingers, but can be surprisingly dexterous with their paws and mouths and they can open cabinet doors, knock over food containers or sneak into pantries.

If your dog suddenly has a swollen and hard abdomen, has difficulty breathing or lying down, walks very slowly and hunkered or attempts to retch but nothing comes up, don’t dither. Take your dog to the vet or a 24 hour animal emergency hospital. Always find such an emergency clinic near you before an actual emergency so you can simply pull up the address and phone number that you wisely stored in your cell phone weeks or months ago.

Aside from preventative measures like locking cabinets, using tamper-proof containers and placing food and treats out of your dog’s reach, as a maintenance measure you can purchase a slow feed dog bowl, or interactive feeder. They are built with fixed ridges inside the bowl. Designs vary widely from helix shapes, mazes, rounded protrusions, or blocks. Your dog has to work around these obstacles with her tongue so as to scoop up her meal bit by bit, causing her to slow down. Be careful when selecting a slow feed bowl. Choose a design that is safe for your dog. One with rounded, plastic protrusions may be OK for a dog with a long muzzle, but can poke the dog’s eye if he has a flat nose.

So enjoy your next meal. Savor the taste. Appreciate the aroma. Don’t eat like a dog.